I constantly sensed in myself a great many elements working in the opposite direction. I felt they were just swarming inside me, these opposing elements, and I knew that they had been swarming inside me all my life and were insisting on being let out. But I wouldn't let them out — wouldn't let them, would not let them out quite deliberately. They tormented me to the point of making me ashamed of myself, having convulsions, till I got tired of them in the end — goodness, how tired!